a p a p o p

But by gods, this is too much. And here I thought I was being funny, creative and original.

You can order your Pope John Paul II action figures that are rolling out on the production lines here. I really can't see skeletor giving his "smite with the wrath of the lord" powers much trouble.

But they're not the only ones. I thought this pope figure was kinda cute:



But still the ultimate must be the "Pope Innocent III action figure":



His product description:

"Introduce this Pope Innocent III Action Figure to your other figures and watch the spiritual sparks fly! Armed with his formidable power of excommunication and an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, this 6" tall, hard plastic model of the 176th Pope will soon have all your other action figures lining up for confession. Read the back of the illustrated blistercard and you'll find that Pope Innocent III was a good guy in all respects. He was a patron of the arts, cared about orphans, built a hospital and reunified the Papal States! Comes with removable fancy Pope hat."

Wow. Wowowowowow.

Our letter to the vatican was obviously not taken seriously, as a pope not entirely marketable in the action figure race steps up. But for those of you who thought the notion was ridiculous here's a real treat:

MESSENGERS OF FAITH! Collectible figurines that recite messages from the bible!



I like that Jesus has an American accent. Seriously, what's next, Rosaries as fashion items?

Tiger Woods won the Masters. Again. But for anyone who was still up at one in the morning, it was well worth it. Click on the image for the video of his amazing shot. But before you do, allow me to set the scene:

Tiger is one shot ahead playing the 16th hole. His closest Rival, Chris Di Marco, has put his ball quite close to the hole on this tricky par three. Tiger hits his shot in the worst possible place. Not only does he have an impossible slope to deal with, his ball is lying right up against the first cut of rough. He somehow has to get the ball to stop on top of the slope, but it would be an incredibly risky shot, possibly costing him the Masters. Does he try it, or does he play it safe, and possibly go in to the last two holes level or one behind his opponent?


FILE SIZE 3.5 MB

And that just beats anything else I can think of writing. Ever.

Plato: There exists a metaphysical universe, where perfect "forms" of things exist. These are the perfect aspects of things in our world - tables, happiness, fish. The things as we see them in our world are merely shadows of the perfect forms in another universe. This explains how things can be distinct (two different fridges), but still be the same (both are fridges, and therefore have a "fridgeness" about them). This similarity is reflected from the metaphysical universe.

a p a p o p: Well, this is kind of self explanatory. If you don't get it, ask your parents what APAPOP stands for. We're sure Plato would have agreed.

Schopenhauer: The fastest way to leave a room is to close your eyes, and block your ears and mouth. Without this sensory perception of the world, it does not exist.

a p a p o p: The fastest way to get everyone to clear a room is to serve coke "with a twist of lemon" (what on earth were the flavour mixers at coke on the day that got made?); screen re-runs of Spanglish; and put on the new Heinz Winkler single "only for you".

“Konrad, what’s eight times seven?”
This type of alarming, unsolicited question often interrupts the stress-free banality of my everyday life. And it truly alarms me. Partly because the person asking the question is too lazy to engage their brain for the two seconds it might take to calculate the sum, but mostly because it forces me into a tight spot. I am forced to either turn on my brain, and think (for the first time since the quiz on morning radio), or admit defeat, possibly feigning some excuse like being hard of hearing or subject to computer screen tunnel vision. Accepting the challenge can lead to the further humiliation of taking too long to answer the question, or worse, actually getting the answer wrong; two alternatives that my ego will never accept. Generally the brain kicks into gear, and works through the initial stages of the problem… “Seven times seven’s an easy one…49, plus seven is… “ By which time they’ve answered the question themselves.

Now I’m not stupid. Conventional western testing methods reflect that I’m supposed to be quite bright (more so when I do the tests the second time). I did an online IQ test just because I was worried about this exact situation. At first I thought it must be a reflection on my grade two math teacher. But now I’ve come to conclude that it has to be simple laziness. But it’s not my fault, is it? Am I just a lazy person? Can I combat this lack of brain activity? Do I really want to?

I wonder how many people have the same problem. We live in a country where it is often better not to think. Violent crimes are always baffling, and it’s easier to enjoy our lives when we can hide our experiences somewhere dark and unused. It makes it easier to sleep with the window open. Ignorance truly is bliss. How else can we overlook mad hatter political decisions? The only solution is not to think about it. The less you know about something, the less likely you are to worry about it. And the more you decide to think about it, the more you realise that ideologies simply do not apply. The more you realise that there’s nothing you can do. Heck, you’d have been better off if you didn’t think in the first place.

Our over-criticised sportspeople are prime examples of this phenomenon. We keep saying that we really do have talent in this country. We keep pinning our hopes on the Stormers, only to see them lose their heads and tackle late, high and illegally. Need I mention that sadly dropped bat… But I’ve concluded that it’s not their fault. We live in a country where we need to turn off our minds in order to survive. Graduates with Cum Laude degrees sit in menial jobs surviving only because they have managed to learn how to turn off their brains. Maybe that’s why we breed such good golfers – their heads are clear of worry and negative thoughts.

So just include South African sport (particularly rugby) in there with the crimes and poverty. Frankly, it's just not worth thinking about.

1. Nigella Lawson is on TV. I don't know why she does it for me. I think it's the accent. But when they show those closeups of her hands covered in finest virgin olive oil I feel primal impulses. Maybe it's just the "she can feed you, mate with her" instinct.

2. The baby boks won the under 19 rugby world cup. Meaning that there is hope for the future. Meaning that we can't just give up watching rugby alltogether. But still not meaning that I'll put a single South African player in my fantasy league team.

3. Prince Harry, already a favorite of ours for the doob, the nazi outfit and the girls he dates, failed a basic computer competence test. I'm just one of those horrible people who likes it when others go down.

4. Pamela Anderson is back on our TV screens! She'll be playing her usual scantily clad dumb blonde character in another sitcom that will showcase her talents. We missed you Pam. You're a part of our lives. And watching you now will have so much more meaning. Who'll ever be able to get that bit of the movie where Tommy honks the boat's horn with his penis out of their minds.

5. Scientists at oxford university have had an incredible breakthrough. The use of technology originally used with satelite imagery allows them to read the original writings on ancient papyrus documents that were rendered unreadable by the passage of time. They estimate that it will lead to an increase of around twenty percent in Greeks an Roman works in existence. A vast deal of information, and many religious writing will now be readable! I'm sure you'll see more of this in the press soon as they actually start reading the documents!

Bye now. Hope these worked for you. Google them for more info. There's much more out there than I can possibly link to.

I still haven't recovered. This is how you KILL a friend with spam. This graced my inbox at 9am this morning:

"Subject: I am seeking a reputable vendor of inflatable sheep

…Message: HelloI am a ‘generously proportioned’ male (375 pounds) with a less than generous penile length (4 inches erect). I seek a vendor of qualityinflatable sheep who can give away free samples as I am unemployed.
Best regards
John Llamas"

Cape Town is a wonderful place. But it's been made just a bit more interesting by the addition of an international element. About a month ago I told you about two pornstars we met in Caprice. It turns out they are actually on location, and filming a genuine Cape Town based porn movie! And they are wild. Now I know that I said that lingerie girls are a great idea at a party, but pornstars really do give it a whole new twist. This is what they wore to a birthday party I attended:



Now I saw the movie "the girl next door" and "pretty woman" but rest assured that these women have no hearts, and are nothing like that. They are rough as guts sluts who love their work. For this reason we believe we're in the running to be one of the first South African sites to offer a live porn feed. Even if just for a little while. We're desperately trying to figure out the technology. Rest assured that we'll keep you updated on the time and date. (This is one of the horrible side effects of having so many friends in London - you can't just all walk in on the bloke anymore. Now people demand a webcast.)

The unbelievable thing is that the one on the left is twenty eight years old!

Now that we're friendly with these girls we are hoping to be privy to some confidential information. We know they'll be shooting some footage near Llundudno some time if the weather clears. I don't know what the best forum will be to let everyone know when and where the porn will be happening, but for the time being, we'll just have to use this website!

Have you ever been stuck in a DSTV rut? You know, where you start channel hopping at 3, and work your way all the way through to the Mongolian News network and back again, and can't find anything you feel like watching? The first sign is usually that you find you're watching one of those re-enactments of the Michael Jackson trial. It's only complete other channel failure that sometimes leads me to have to watch an e-tv late night movie.

I know it's not exactly scientific, but using a cunning and extremely intricate excel spreadsheet, utilising the TV times given in this month's DISH magazine, and the IMDB run time given for the movie, I calculated that on average you watch adverts for THIRTY PERCENT (exactly) of the time when you watch an e-tv movie to completion.



No wonder I always fell asleep during their screening of The Godfather. At that rate it would have been on for 3 hours 50! Funnily enough, some of the times etv allowed for the movies were in excess of 15 minutes shorter than the runtimes given by IMDB. Is our viewing being censored!?

A young, muscular chick pope should be next in line.

The Vatican and the Catholic Church have always been incredibly wealthy. But rumors abound that church coffers are dwindling. High-ranking cardinals have apparently even resorted to drastically cutting down on the use of gold leaf at lunchtimes in the Vatican. This need not be the case.

The death of Pope John Paul II has opened up a whole new era for Catholicism. The church was losing out on a large scale in the popular syndication market, as the ailing pope was not suitable for the action figure market. I can’t see the “super soul saver wheelchair” and “pope reclining chair” performing well in any kind of market analysis, but a large market exists for a potential “Pope, God on Earth” action figure doll, complete with “fighting rosaries” and “evil banishing” staff. The movie rights alone would net the church millions. Perhaps a cross syndication epic of “Pope vs Spawn”…

It was also well documented that the former pope’s views angered feminists, now a large part of the paying market. By allowing the ordination of women as priests, church revenues and sales from syndication items should go up billions. These two arguments will be on top of the list supporting the election of Jennifer Garner as pope.



Also on the catholic marketing front, the SimVatican computer game is long outstanding, but cardinals will probably still oppose the “encourage homosexual pedophilia” powers that Satan should be given in the multiplayer game. Jennifer Garner already carries a large fanatical following, and http://www.seepopenaked.com/ will ensure that lunchtimes at the Vatican are restored to their former glory.

In order for peace on earth to come about, in order for Catholicism to prevail as the world’s fastest growing religion, and dear god please for seepopenaked.com, we can but hope that the cardinals see our logic.

Look. I don't know who you are, but I feel the need to apologise. You've been diligently visiting this site in hordes, and we haven't even managed to put a post up for you.

I have an excuse though. I just joined the ranks of the retired. I resigned on Wednesday. So I've been very busy trying to get my life sorted out for the next step, but I've taken it. No more working for someone else.

So I'll brief you on what happens, as it's bound to be interesting. In the mean time, does anyone want to buy a Land Rover, it won't suit my new image. Now I need something cool. Something zippy. Something that'll fit 4 sets of golf clubs and go off road. Wait a minute...