a p a p o p

A young, muscular chick pope should be next in line.

The Vatican and the Catholic Church have always been incredibly wealthy. But rumors abound that church coffers are dwindling. High-ranking cardinals have apparently even resorted to drastically cutting down on the use of gold leaf at lunchtimes in the Vatican. This need not be the case.

The death of Pope John Paul II has opened up a whole new era for Catholicism. The church was losing out on a large scale in the popular syndication market, as the ailing pope was not suitable for the action figure market. I can’t see the “super soul saver wheelchair” and “pope reclining chair” performing well in any kind of market analysis, but a large market exists for a potential “Pope, God on Earth” action figure doll, complete with “fighting rosaries” and “evil banishing” staff. The movie rights alone would net the church millions. Perhaps a cross syndication epic of “Pope vs Spawn”…

It was also well documented that the former pope’s views angered feminists, now a large part of the paying market. By allowing the ordination of women as priests, church revenues and sales from syndication items should go up billions. These two arguments will be on top of the list supporting the election of Jennifer Garner as pope.



Also on the catholic marketing front, the SimVatican computer game is long outstanding, but cardinals will probably still oppose the “encourage homosexual pedophilia” powers that Satan should be given in the multiplayer game. Jennifer Garner already carries a large fanatical following, and http://www.seepopenaked.com/ will ensure that lunchtimes at the Vatican are restored to their former glory.

In order for peace on earth to come about, in order for Catholicism to prevail as the world’s fastest growing religion, and dear god please for seepopenaked.com, we can but hope that the cardinals see our logic.